Pseudonyms are more often than not chosen with great care for one reason or another. Daniel DeFoe was merely Daniel Foe before he adopted his pseudonym. My great idol is the wonderful Teffi who chose her name after claiming the name of a fool she knew and removing the first letter of his name. Why? Because fools have all the luck. A beautiful philosophy.
My name doesn’t have such an interesting backstory. Patricio Toska, you’d be forgiven for thinking I was a man. That was an unintentional effect. I simply disliked the name Patricia, which is my middle name by birth, and thought I’d mix it up a bit. Patricio means ‘noble’ apparently. Funnily, it’s not a word that has ever been used to describe me. I don’t think I’m entirely likeable. I don’t think I care.
Toska, I chose for it’s simple beauty. Nabokov put it well, “No single word in English renders all the shades of ‘Toska’.’ It is an ache of the soul, a longing when you have nothing to long for. In my darkest moments, Toska has brought me the slightest of smiles. Isn’t that the trick of life? Find the little things that bring a flicker of joy and all the bleakness makes it all worthwhile. I don’t profess to have all the secrets of life, I’ve barely made it this far in one piece but I like to think I’ve felt Toska for so long that I have a right to it. I have claimed Toska because I have become Toska. It isn’t sad, it’s beautiful. A delicate word that settles on your tongue like it is far more than just an uttering.
My real name isn’t even Nadezhda Volkov, it’s another pseudonym. Nadezhda, hope. Lord knows people need it enough of the time. And Volkov, wolf. Volkov is not so spiritual. It’s a beautiful name, that’s true. But I also rather like wolves, that’s the top and bottom of it.
Those that know me by my real name, do not know about Nadezhda or Toska. Those that know me as Nadezhda or Toska, do not know my real name. I like it that way. It is my little secret, my childish double life that makes me laugh when nobody is around.
So, call me Toska, if you like. I will answer to it. Call me Nadezhda if you think that calling me by a pseudonym is silly. I won’t mind. Patricio or Volkov might cause me to look at you funny but if that’s your choice, I’ll allow it. I love my name and all that it stands for.
Toska 